Kate Beckinsale is full of gems. First, she said she'd rather eat pussy than sushi. Now, she's telling Glamour magazine that her awesome skills in the sack give her a free pass from sandwich making. Ha! But, no, seriously, who let her speak in public?:

“I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.”

So, by Kate Beckinsale's logic, if your wife is an awesome cook, you're allowed to bring prostitutes into the house. I'm in. Someone get me Rachael Ray in a wedding dress and two tickets to Vegas. Holy cow, I can almost smell the hookers and pot roast! Source: Kate Beckinsale thinks mastery in the bedroom gets her out of the kitchen - HILARIOUS!

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Christina Aguilera (Above urging you to vote or else Max Liron eats Stars N' Stripe. Christ, I'll do it, lady!) defended herself against critics of her nights out to the club. I mean, you try spending 24/7 with Jordan Bratman. Hour after hour of him wearing a wizard hat and playing Oblivion. It would drive Mother Teresa to knock back Jell-O shots. But, of course, Christina paints a different, almost believable picture to Access Hollywood. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS!:

“I spend all day with my son and once in a while if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that,” Christina told Access Hollywood. “They never air [footage] of the paparazzi actually pulling up beside my husband and being like, ‘When is she going to leave the house? I have been trying to get a picture of her for weeks.'"

Dude, she's lying. The paparazzi talking to Jordan Bratman? Riiiight. I'm pretty sure the paps don't speak Mole People. I mean, c'mon. Anyone whose mastered the language would be halfway to the Earth's core by now. Why? For the Mole Gold, genius. Jesus, what do they teach you kids in school these days? Source: Christina Aguilera deserves a night out, hearts America

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The big story lately is Brad Pitt buying a shit-ton of artsy furniture for him and Angelina Jolie's new French chateau. Apparently, people expected them to shop at Pier 1, I dunno. Anyway, after his shopping spree, Brad stopped for lunch, and the restaurant staff "served up" (I <3 puns!) some details about his dining experience to Swiss newspaper Blick:

After the furniture shopping, Pitt reportedly enjoyed lunch – a tuna burger and two Coke Zeros – in the Art Collectors Lounge. "He looked deep into the eyes of the staff," his server, Erna Zürcher Lüscher, told the paper. "His charisma is just super."

Fun fact: I used to wait tables and looking deeply into the eyes of your server while they're writing down your shit is a one-way ticket to "Holy crap, I just made out with your sandwich." That said, who the hell orders a tuna burger and Coke Zero? Outside of serial killers and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I don't really have any evidence to back that up, so let's just say it's true and I'll give you a real fact at a later date. Possibly before Christmas. 2015. Source: Brad Pitt seems kind of creepy to wait on

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Amy Winehouse attend her husband Blake Fielder-Civil's court hearing yesterday and surprise! She was a giant crack ball of clusterfuckage. The Sun reports:

Amy shouted to a judge “It’s like Disneyland” during her husband’s pre-trial hearing yesterday. She made the remark after the prosecutor explained how the case against BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL might be delayed by juror holidays in the summer.
At another point the Back To Black star made a “yap, yap, yap” gesture as a lawyer spoke. An usher had already ordered her to sit down and behave, after she stood up and made a big play of rummaging in her clothes.
The singer snapped back loudly: “I’m just tucking my skirt in” before slowly sitting.

The Sun left out the part where Amy climbed up the judge's bench and proceeded to bang the gavel while yelling "Border! Border in the fort!" Then she put on his powdered wig and crawled across the jurors laps singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." There were no survivors. Source: Amy Winehouse on the legal system: 'It's like Disneyland!'

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Madonna left the gym last night and answered the question on everyone's minds: Can her arms look any more like pale white beef jerky? Yes. Yes they can. I don't know what her workout regimen entails, but I'm sure it involves Madonna yelling "I want them to look spaghetti noodles but oddly buff!" To which the trainers, with their vast knowledge of physical fitness, respond with "Holy shit that corpse can talk!" Source: Madonna's arms defy logic, actually get grosser

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Model Cora Skinner hit the beach in Hawaii yesterday with boyfriend Brody Jenner of The Hils. I'm pretty sure it's a crime against nature for a chick this hot to date a bag this douchey. Brody even has his own last name tattooed up his side which is just pure stupid in my book. That's like writing "Will Pay Child Support Out the Anus" on your forehead. Sure, it'll get you laid but then, uh, hmm. Maybe he's on to something. Anyone got a Sharpie? Source: Cora Skinner in a bikini is way too good for Brody Jenner

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Kim Kardashian went furniture shopping yesterday and clearly set the buttpad to "HOLY SHIT DUCK!" Which is interesting because the same day Kim was complaining on her blog about how much attention her butt gets:

I know most celebrities say they don't read what the press says about them; but to be honest, I suspect in most cases, they don't want to admit that they actually care what is written about them.
I'll tell you straight up -- I do read it! Some of it is true, a lot of it is flattering, and a lot of it is totally off the mark.

You might think Kim is "keeping it real" by telling us "straight up" as opposed to "crooked down." But she's not. Kim's clearly working what the makers of foam gave her and then feigning disbelief at all the attention. That'd be like me walking around with the entire planet of Saturn jutting out of my face. Then writing to you guys "Why do people keep talking about my Saturn?" If you're wondering why I chose Saturn, it's the first thing I thought of with an orbit similar to Kim's ass. Nailed it! Source: Kim Kardashian takes her buttpad shopping

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Bobby Brown's son Brandon, recently seen on MTV's Rock the Cradle by about five people, is claiming he had sex with Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom, according to The Sun:

He boasts: “Me and Lindsay got really, really close. She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together. I think she knew who I was when she first saw me. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.”

This story was almost believable until he said "I think she knew who I was when she first saw me." Then it became fiction. Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. Your anecdote had everything it needed to be taken seriously until you got greedy. I mean, all you had to say was you walked up to Lindsay and let her know that boys have a penis and a girls have a vagina. Then she had to have you. Now that's believable. In fact, Lindsay's reading this right now going "I don't remember that, but it sounds like something I would definitely do. Also, this is the best website in the history of Internet, and I'm rubbing my boobs on the monitor. Ignore the fact I'm talking out loud in this joke." Source: Bobby Brown's son: I did Lindsay Lohan in the bathroom

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Shia LaBeouf's dad Jeffrey is apparently some sort of crazy "I live in a tepee" guy. But during the cold months, Shia lovingly opens up his home to his father. And by home I mean garage. Except this time, outside LaBeouf Manor, Jeffrey told Star "I live here now." Here's what Shia had to say about his new tenant:

"I love him, but we have similar tastes. Living in close proximity, we get into little battles. Over the fridge, over supplies, just everyday average stuff. Toothpaste, clean towels... it becomes a little overbearing, so we keep him in the garage."
But Jeffrey may be overstaying his welcome! "It's not winter anymore, and he's still here," says Shia. "You can't be like, 'Hey Dad, listen, it's time to go back to your tepee.' You can't make him leave."

Wow, that's pretty nice of you considering the man stuck you with the name Shia. Anyway, this story puts a lot of things in perspective for me. Namely that, if you have kids, you always have a garage to sleep in when it gets too cold in your tepee. Sweet! I am officially never using condoms again. Not that I ever did to begin with, but sometimes it's fun to pretend. And that burning sensation is telling me it's time to pee. BRB! Source: Shia LaBeouf: 'My dad lives in my garage'

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Anyone remember Paris Hilton? Anyone? Ha ha, just kidding. Who could forget all that herp? What're you looking at above are pics of Paris and Benji Madden that sparked speculation she's knocked up with a devil spawn. Fortunately, for humanity's sake, those claims have been deemed illegitimate - like the child she'll eventually have at a later date. Us Magazine reports:

The heiress, 27, sparked blog rumors when she wore a green satin slip-dress to Crown Bar in Los Angeles Wednesday.
But her rep tells Usmagazine.com reports are "completely false."

Of course, one might say this is the product of rampant media speculation trying to drum up a story out of nothing. But we all know Paris wore that dress and went "Hello, baby rumors, I'm back on top!" So, to deflate Paris' plans, I'm going with a different angle. The truth: EXCLUSIVE: PARIS HILTON'S BABY BUMP EXPLAINED: 'I SWALLOWED A BABY DOLPHIN' You heard it here first. Now, quick, someone get Hayden Panettiere a club for the beatdown of the century: The Wonk. The Midget. SUNDAY! Source: Paris Hilton still alive, NOT procreating

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Nick Hogan was transferred out of solitary yesterday and moved into a cell with three other juvenile roommates. For the record, the decision was not made because of Nick's lawyers bitching to get him out on Tuesday, but because of routine assessment of inmates' living situations, according to the AP:

Pinellas County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail's population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

I guess someone's missing his fortress of masturbation-tude now. Oh, you don't know what you've got, till it's gone. But, in all seriousness, Nick's very happy now. I hear there's nothing quite like spooning at shiv point. It's breathtaking almost. Source: Nick Hogan transferred out of solitary, now has roomies! (WHEE!)

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Anyone remember Vin Diesel? Anyone? Well, apparently model Paloma Jimenez did, I'm guessing about nine months ago, because she let him put a baby in her. She quietly (?) birthed the child in April. Vin's rep must've just now realized he has a client and announced the news yesterday to People:

Vin Diesel and his girlfriend, model Paloma Jimenez, have quietly become parents of a baby girl, his rep tells PEOPLE.
Diesel, 40, and Jimenez welcomed their first child on April 2.

First off, how do you quietly become parents? I mean, that kid either had Vin Diesel's monster schnozz and/or his eggplant head. I doubt she came out without a fight. Second, how far gone is Vin's career that he had a baby, and no one bothered to even notice until two months later? No wonder he's doing another Fast and the Furious. Otherwise, Vin Diesel will start disappearing from pictures like in Back to the Future - which will really piss off anyone that owns a copy of XXX. So mostly just the South. Source: Vin Diesel still alive, procreating

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Attention, everyone! Pamela Anderson's breasts are still ridiculously large. You're welcome. Oh yeah, she also hung out with Tommy Lee yesterday and bought some plants. I don't know what that means, but I bet it involves doing it in a pile of a mulch. How else do you landscape? Ha ha, with a mower. Now you're just making shit up. EDIT: Moved this to the top of the page because, well, breasts. I think I've made my point. Source: Pamela Anderson's breasts still gi-normous

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Britney Spears will have a cameo in the currently filming Pussycat Dolls video for "When I Grow Up." But she will neither sing nor dance leading me to believe Britney will perhaps walk down the street and silently nod to Nicole Scherzinger. Almost as if to say "Where's the snack table?" People reports:

"It's a small part," says a source about the popstar's visit to the L.A. set of the group's video shoot for their new single, When I Grow Up, on Wednesday. Possibly saving her trademark moves for her own album, Spears was not expected to dance or perform with the girls in the video.

Judging by these photos, this video includes scantily clad women and automobiles. Yet someone thought it'd be wise to add Britney Spears to an already perfect equation. Britney Spears and cars, yes, what could possibly go wrong? Hmm. Fortunately, the Pussycat Dolls are easy to replace. In fact, I'm looking at two stand-in's right now. Oh, wait, they climbed off the poles and want their dollars. Excuse me while I fake a heart attack. MY CHEST! Source: Britney Spears to appear in new Pussycat Dolls video

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Hey, remember Bridget Moynahan? She was knocked up by Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady right before he ditched her for Gisele Bundchen. I think she's an actress too or something. Who knows? What I do know is the touching anecdote she told Harper's Bazaar about returning home from the hospital with newborn son Jack:

“Everyone says, ‘You give birth, you go home, and you have this amazing baby and it’s just beautiful,’” says the 37-year-old Massachusetts-raised model turned actress. “And I walked in and I just started sobbing.”

Adorable! Okay, I didn't read it, but I'm sure it was heartwarming. It had a baby in it! Bridget is moving on with her life and has embraced her single mom lifestyle thanks to help from friends like Will Smith. Is she still bitter about Tom Brady curbing her? Not at all. But she is running late for Jack's dance class at the Sparkle Princess Football is Stupid Studio for Twinkle-kids. Or is it Pottery for Tots night? Ha ha. Kids. Source: Bridget Moynahan embracing single MILF-dom

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Ashley Alexandra Dupre not only got freaky for Gov. Spitzer, but during her week with Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild, she was the wildest one of the bunch. She claimed to be a 21-year-old waitress named Amber and was so wild the Girls crew ditched her, according to the Palm Beach Post:

Amber hopped on a table in the middle of a hotel lobby crammed with frat boys, one producer told The Post, and launched into a raunchy strip-tease. That’s when the camera crew packed up and returned to their monster bus to leave town.
When asked by our reporter about the party, Amber said: “It got crazy. It was everything you thought it would be.
“It’s not stupid to do it (take off your clothes for GGW). It’s all fun and games.”

It should also be noted that Ashley was actually 17, and not 21, but since she didn't engage in any sexual conduct her nudity is surprisingly permitted by the state of Florida. That being said, had Ashley been Joe Francis' cousin, sex would've been permitted under the Unspoken Law of the South provided Joe paid the customary fine of saying Dale Earnhardt was Jesus on wheels. EDIT: Check out some video of Ashley Dupre after the jump. Source: Ashley Dupre was the Girl Gone Wildest

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Hey, kids, guess what? Teenage pregnancy is totally awesome! Just ask Britney's little sister Jamie Lynn Spears who couldn't be happier with the ticking time bomb inside her 16-year-old uterus. Ok! Magazine provides the super fab details:

On March 9, Jamie Lynn attended a local baseball game. A few days later she went on a coffee run with a girlfriend, and on March 13, she hit up one of her favorite local shops, Connie's Jewelry & Gifts, for a few trinkets. "She's behaving like a pretty normal teen," the friend says. "She's not even worried about how much weight she puts on or doing any special exercises. At her age, her body will bounce right back and she knows it."

As if this article wasn't bad enough, scope out the tagline: "Brit's little sis is acting anything like the country's most famous pregnant 16-year-old!" Wow, America has it's own famous pregnant teen. We've finally done it! My heart is swelling with such patriotic pride I'm going to bang my head off the Liberty Bell until I see stars - and stripes! Awww yeah! Source: Jamie Lynn Spears hearts pregnancy (Yay!)

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You ever get in one of those moods where you just want to post pics of hot celebrities on your awesome blog all day? If you couldn't tell by the Jennifer Aniston and Erika Eleniak (I think?) posts, I'm in one of those moods. To wrap this show up, here's buttlacious Kim Kardashian modeling lingerie designed by Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin. Also with Kim is Aubry O'Day of Danity Kane and Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton. But none of that really matters because, holy shit, it's Kim Kardashian in lingerie. I could write the location of the Holy Grail* down here and you wouldn't even notice. That's why I love you guys. *sniff* You make me so damn proud... *Hint: Take a closer look at Lil Jon. Hyeah! Source: Kim Kardashian wears lingerie (Dance, puppets!)

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Yesterday it was short shorts, now today it's Jennifer Aniston in a bikini. Evolution is awesome. Take a gander of Jennifer chilling in Miami where's she's filming Marley & Me. Also scope out this pic (Click here as if your life depended on it.) where, if I'm not mistaken, Jennifer Aniston is challenging Kate Hudson to an Ass Off. Of course, the real winner is Owen Wilson that hook-nosed rogue. Time for drastic measures. Hammer, meet nose. *CRUNCH* Yup, it definitely broke right off. Not good. Fluffy, no, bad kitty! Get that out of your mouth. Don't go outside! Ah, shit. Great, now the neighbors are calling the cops. They think I'm Michael Jackson. It's all a misunderstanding, folks. Ha ha I hate kids! No, really, bring one over and I'll kick him into the garage door. Source: Jennifer Aniston: For your bikini viewing pleasure

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Does anyone remember Erika Eleniak? The smoking hot babe from Baywatch, Under Seige and, more importantly, Playboy. Basically she's a national treasure. The paps caught some shots of her filming a movie that I can't find a reference to anywhere. This might be an Ashton Kutcher prank, but who cares? He dug up Erika Eleniak and tossed her in a swimsuit. It's the archaeological find of the century. I mean, she's pushing 40 and looks banging. I'd throw 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan under a bus to get at Erika. Of course, there's lots of things I'd throw Lindsay under a bus for - like a Klondike bar. Or a shiny penny.